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Entry tags:
8, 9, 10
I had a very small shopping list when I went to the city today. Practical things like new bulbs for the turtle's aquarium, and new rings for the shower curtain.
I'd been fussing in my head the last few days about what I'm going to pack for General Council - a week long national governance meeting for our church, I've been elected a commissioner for this triennium.
II wandered into one of the big chain stores I like for work clothes (Reitmans) - and after poking around pulled out a pair of in striped capris to try on; size 13. They were a bit big, so I checked the size label of the pants I was wearing - same line from Reitmans, that I'd bought at the beginning of the summer. They were size 11, so I popped out and picked up a pair of size 11s. Still too big!
By this point I was actually confused. The helpful salesgirl came over to help, gave me a high five and brought me a size 9 pair of pants. Finally! A fitting pair! Bemused but thrilled at how the smaller size fit, I asked for a couple of skirts. After trial and error, I ended up with two:a very cute black pencil skirt (size 9), and a grey/brown buttoned stripey one (size 8!)
I haven't been trying to lose weight; although I've been trying hard to be more active - walking the dog every night for 20 minutes was the first goal, and l've stretched it to nightly one hour walks. Yesterday I went for a 20km bike ride for my daughter, which was brutal. And I've been trying to eradicate gluten from my diet - after my sister's example and urging. But weight loss wasn't in my head - any more than any other woman living in the patriarchy, where we can never be too thin or white or rich enough. (So bizarre that my daughter is actively employed in the poisonous body image industry. Even she never feels thin enough.)
Anyway - it's been a mix of thoughts and emotions this afternoon. A heady surprise - I felt so good when I measured as thinner than expected - according to the always maddening (and changing) clothing sizes. And I felt bad (such a bad feminist) for feeling good about the weight loss - because body image and being 'fat' and sizeism are such tricky areas. And honestly, sometimes I feel close enough to the beauty standard that I feel like I shouldn't even talk about it, because I'm so privileged. And sometimes I feel fat and aging and unattractive.
But one the other hand. My body shape is changing because I'm taking better care of myself. And that is something to celebrate. The last time I was in therapy, one of the things we worked on was feeling small successes. Feeling good about myself. Holding onto those good feelings, and reinforcing them.
So I let myself celebrate, and indulged in a bit more shopping. I let myself look and try on some new exercise clothes - and bought some cute shorts, and a pair of pants. Size medium! An encouragement to keep on exercising, and a reminder of how good I feel today.
My totally self indulgent purchase was a pair of gorgeous patent leather shoes with coral stiletto heels. I'm a sucker for that kind of detail in a shoe.
And then I came home. Had a healthy supper. Put on my super cute new shorts, and took the dog for a long walk.
I'd been fussing in my head the last few days about what I'm going to pack for General Council - a week long national governance meeting for our church, I've been elected a commissioner for this triennium.
II wandered into one of the big chain stores I like for work clothes (Reitmans) - and after poking around pulled out a pair of in striped capris to try on; size 13. They were a bit big, so I checked the size label of the pants I was wearing - same line from Reitmans, that I'd bought at the beginning of the summer. They were size 11, so I popped out and picked up a pair of size 11s. Still too big!
By this point I was actually confused. The helpful salesgirl came over to help, gave me a high five and brought me a size 9 pair of pants. Finally! A fitting pair! Bemused but thrilled at how the smaller size fit, I asked for a couple of skirts. After trial and error, I ended up with two:a very cute black pencil skirt (size 9), and a grey/brown buttoned stripey one (size 8!)
I haven't been trying to lose weight; although I've been trying hard to be more active - walking the dog every night for 20 minutes was the first goal, and l've stretched it to nightly one hour walks. Yesterday I went for a 20km bike ride for my daughter, which was brutal. And I've been trying to eradicate gluten from my diet - after my sister's example and urging. But weight loss wasn't in my head - any more than any other woman living in the patriarchy, where we can never be too thin or white or rich enough. (So bizarre that my daughter is actively employed in the poisonous body image industry. Even she never feels thin enough.)
Anyway - it's been a mix of thoughts and emotions this afternoon. A heady surprise - I felt so good when I measured as thinner than expected - according to the always maddening (and changing) clothing sizes. And I felt bad (such a bad feminist) for feeling good about the weight loss - because body image and being 'fat' and sizeism are such tricky areas. And honestly, sometimes I feel close enough to the beauty standard that I feel like I shouldn't even talk about it, because I'm so privileged. And sometimes I feel fat and aging and unattractive.
But one the other hand. My body shape is changing because I'm taking better care of myself. And that is something to celebrate. The last time I was in therapy, one of the things we worked on was feeling small successes. Feeling good about myself. Holding onto those good feelings, and reinforcing them.
So I let myself celebrate, and indulged in a bit more shopping. I let myself look and try on some new exercise clothes - and bought some cute shorts, and a pair of pants. Size medium! An encouragement to keep on exercising, and a reminder of how good I feel today.
My totally self indulgent purchase was a pair of gorgeous patent leather shoes with coral stiletto heels. I'm a sucker for that kind of detail in a shoe.
And then I came home. Had a healthy supper. Put on my super cute new shorts, and took the dog for a long walk.
no subject
*hugs*