like pebbles on the beach

January

Wed, 23 Jan 2019 01:05:04 GMT

January has been kind of kicking my ass so far. A cluster of things making me sick, an ever busy workload at the office and a couple of prairie cold spells.

The upside I suppose is some quality couch time. I've been reading Michelle Obama's Becoming, and enjoying it. I've watched the newest season of Wynnona Earp (loved it, made me cry), Titans (way more violent than I expected, also loved it) and and nine episodes into the new season of Grace and Frankie.

Tomorrow I have staff meeting in the morning and then am leaving the city for a couple of days to resource at an Indigenous theology school. Looking forward to that, and packing my snowpants!

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toolboxes

Mon, 31 Dec 2018 19:24:42 GMT

I was reminded yesterday of one of my father's proverbs. One of my grandfather's, I suppose.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

My dad is a big believer in the right tool for the right job, and this has manifested in all kinds of ways.

If he is coming to help with repairs, he'll bring his own toolbox.
The first year I lived away from home, I received a stocked toolbox for Christmas.
Sometimes the back of his pickup is better stocked than your neighbourhood hardware store.

But for all this is practical advice that has stood me well in a long list of apartments and houses - as metaphorical advice it is even better.

Am I stuck because I keep using a 'hammer', because I'm used to it and it's close at hand and comfortable?

Have I stopped to consider what kind of a challenge I'm facing?

Does my toolbox of skills and coping strategies need some organizing? Updating? Do I even know where it is?

I've added my own extension to the metaphor, when a friend was unpacking the less than healthy ways she had coped with a toxic relationship.

Sometimes we go through the toolbox, trying everything. And maybe our new shiny tools don't work: we try and set boundaries, be adaptable, ask for what we need, be financial independent... and still the situation doesn't improve.

So we start rooting around in the back of the bottom drawers. And maybe back there are some tools (coping strategies) we haven't had to use in a while: self medication, reckless sex, shopping.

Maybe a hammer.

Maybe it isn't the best tool, but maybe it pries open, busts up the situation enough that we can get out.

May we all be gentle and compassionate with ourselves for using the tools that were in reach for 2018.

And may our toolboxes be well stocked for 2019.

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Fri, 28 Dec 2018 03:30:58 GMT

My girl is winging back home, and we had the most lovely Christmas visit. I highly recommend the stage of parenting where your children come to visit, help with the cooking and clean up and mix up Christmas morning mimosas.

We went to see The Favourite last night, which was sharply funny and had gorgeously costuming, set design and photography. And the acting! Everyone was stellar, especially the three leads. What a delight to watch a movie about women, power and complex relationships.

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nested

Sun, 23 Dec 2018 23:45:04 GMT

The temperature is dropping tonight on the prairies and going back to a more seasonal -20 C overnight. So I'm glad to be nested home tonight in my cozy apartment, with a chicken in the oven and my eldest child on the couch.

One of the big adjustments for me over that last year has been living on my own. I've never done this before!

I went from my family home to housemates to kids to husband and kids and back to just kids.

I like the quiet of living by myself, although I have to watch that solitude doesn't become entirely solitary. It's harder, I think, in a new city - because I don't have my own network of friends or activities here.

So it's extra nice to have my girl with me over Christmas. We've done a bit of shopping, stocked up on groceries and got our short list of movies (The Favourite), TV (Letterkenny) and youtube (Bon Appetit: Claire makes gourmet junk food).

Today we looked through boxes of old photos - it's astonishing to see faded photos through her eyes - I see the misery of grade school, or the ordinariness of growing up in the 70s - she sees something else entirely.

Someone asked me this week if I would describe myself as a good mother. I replied that I would say I tried my hardest, and sometimes failed. But my kids have said I was (am) a good mother, and it's their judgement that counts.

And I guess the proof is on my couch: the 26 year old who flew here to spend the holiday with her mom. Just the two of us.

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Is this thing on?

Thu, 06 Dec 2018 04:00:14 GMT

I knew it had been a long time since I logged into DW, but wouldn't have guessed that four years have passed.

Logging in tonight to my reading page, I see many familiar and well loved names, some of whom I see on other platforms.

I've changed jobs and moved farther west and north in the interim.

*waves hi sheepishly*

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a piece from Sunday's worship

Tue, 22 Jul 2014 20:12:25 GMT

Psalm 128, a summer paraphrase

Joyful is the one who turns to God,
    and who walks on the path laid out by God.
Your cupboards shall be full, your gardens abundant
    you will eat well, and have enough to share.
You will be joyous
    and it will be well with you, and those you love.

Your partner will be like a fruitful vine, you will share a home,
    and entwine your lives like morning glories climbing a garden fence.
The young ones in your circle will be like lilac shoots
    growing up and bringing new life
Thus shall the person be blessed
    who turns to God.

May God bless you,
     wherever you are!
May you see prosperity in the city
    all the days of your life!
May you see generations of children
    living in peace!

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thanksgiving

Sun, 13 Oct 2013 13:04:57 GMT

In no particular order, I am thankful for:

My new partner M. - from whom I am learning to be liked just for myself
the beauty of autumn in southern Ontario - soybeans and corn coming off the fields, the brilliant colours of the maples
my children - wise, kind and charming
the mostly amicable relationship between myself and my ex husband
the prospect of teaching Sunday School this morning
my worshiping community, our preacher and the gift of grace each Sunday morning
my family - in all their weird and wonderful ways
my friends near and far; and most especially you - from whom I have also learned to be liked for just myself
my job - challenging and maddening - which I'm happy to go to every day
my spring/summer round of psychotherapy
being off anti-depressants (and well) for the first autumn in years and years
this cup of coffee, warm to my hands and heart, sweetened with local honey

May you find gratitude today.
May you see and feel and hear the blessings which surround you.
May you feel the wonder and mystery of the Sacred.
May you know that you are beloved.
May you understand that you are a blessing to others.
May you find gratitude today.

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Looking good, Barbie.

Sun, 06 Oct 2013 01:15:21 GMT

Actually, you know what I think would be superfun as a halloween costume?

A roller derby girl! Knee pads, fishnets and a pair of roller skates. Hells yes.

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Your propinquity could make a man forget himself

Fri, 04 Oct 2013 12:31:31 GMT

What really got me started thinking about movie themed costumes is a hankering to dress up as Catwoman this year.

And there are sooooo many Catwoman options. I'm leaning towards Julie Newmar. Because: fucking awesome.

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That is a man's head.

Thu, 03 Oct 2013 19:41:48 GMT

But maybe we don't want to be tragic French burlesque dancers with consumption.

Maybe something a little more steampunk? Or western?

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El Tango de Roxanne

Thu, 03 Oct 2013 03:28:33 GMT

I was thinking the other day about Halloween costumes - fannish ones.

So - in no particular order - I'm going to try and post some of my favorite movie/comic/tv costume ideas.

Let's start with Moulin Rouge/burlesque dancer.

(warning for interrupted sexual assault, and the possibility of falling into a hole of tango dancing videos)

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sunday night with the losers

Mon, 09 Sep 2013 01:01:44 GMT

So, the new man in my life hadn't seen The Losers, and I fixed that tonight. He liked it, so another check in the plus column for him.

And God, I love that movie - I have no idea how many times i've seen it, and it still is so damn charming. And I might need to go re-read a favorite fic or two.

But! Also we were lazy and watched the previews on the dvd. And I always forget that it includes a preview for Inception. And the fog horn starts and I get all these feelings omg and then the preview keeps going on and on with stupid Cobb talking ad nauseum to Ariadne or whoever and Mal being tragic and Cobb still talking, and I think "I always manage to forget how much of that movie is about the boring tragic doomed romance".

And then there is one perfect moment. "Dream a little bigger darling". And all is forgiven.

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labour day weekend

Tue, 03 Sep 2013 02:02:31 GMT

This is the last big long weekend of Canadian summer. And I got to do something very exciting: meet moonklutz and rageprufrock live and in person in Toronto. And there was a Slash Report meet up that involved playing Cards Against Humanity - which is much like Apples to Apples except that it is all the horrible that you wished would exist in that game.

I got to play the double penetration card. Hells yes. I know what a number of my nearest and dearest are getting for Christmas.

Before the fandom fun on Saturday, M. and I had a Friday night after work outing to the beach, which was relaxed and lovely; and today I got to sleep in and walk in the woods and nap and harangue my teenager about getting ready for his first day of school tomorrow. So. Pretty much a perfect weekend.

Also - a recommendation via Pru: my weekend reading was The Road Delivered Us Home by keelywolfe. It's a Hobbit story, which is very much not my usual fandom - but I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the details of life in the Shire and her characters. A long story well worth the read.

Happy end of summer my dears.

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summer sermon

Sun, 25 Aug 2013 15:58:56 GMT

Filled in this morning for a friend of mine.

Text: Isaiah 58:9b-13

( sermon )

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end of vacation

Fri, 23 Aug 2013 20:55:46 GMT

I've been on vacation for August, having a languorous month of doing not much of anything. Well, I"ve done a few things

made blueberry and apricot jam
reorganized my kitchen furniture
made a list of house de-cluttering projects to work on
gone sailing with the family

But mostly I've been immersed in the delights of my new relationship, including traditional activities such as having drinks on summer patios downtown and walking on the beach.

I've also got a fair amount of movie watching in this summer; and have LOVED pretty much everything I saw: RED 2, Wolverine, Pacific Rim, 2 Guns, Elysium... it's been a pretty terrific batch of summer movies.

I finished Merchant of Dreams (2nd Night's Masque book by Anne Lyle); and the first Walking Dead compendium.

I'm starting back to work next week, an amendment to my original plans that will let me take a week off in the fall with the new boyfriend (our summer holidays didn't overlap much, given that they were, of course, planned before we met). And then the September busy-ness will erupt, I am sure.

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the tide is coming in and we are packing up

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 01:22:10 GMT

Well. We're not actually packing at the moment. Teenager Boy is buried in a Sandman comic, and I was finishing off a Teen Wolf AU. (They solve crimes! And are werewolves!)

We've had a great vacation. I'm not sure I can express how novel this whole week has been - I have literally never gone on vacation like this before. My parents gave me one of their time-share weeks; and we've been puttering around the (off season) resort town doing not much of anything. It's been a glorious and much needed break.

FIVE THINGS I'VE LOVED (in no particular order)

spending time with family - contrary to the original Time To Myself plan; both kids came with me, my daughter's boyfriend flew in for New Year's, and my parents came down and stayed in their trailer. We cooked and ate supper and went to the aquarium and it was terrific. Especially the time with my girl - she travels so much now, I rarely see her.
heated outdoor pools - I went swimming almost every day, and the pool was right beside the ocean, with a bubbling jet spa too. The weather's been really cool while we've been here, and the warm pools just feel like the height of luxury. And it felt great to swim lengths again - something I'll look into doing when we get home.
unstructured time - the last few months have been crazy hectic with buying/selling houses, moving, getting ready to switch jobs - I'm so grateful for this restorative time
the beach - our condo faces down the shoreline, and I walked way down to the next pier one afternoon. The tides go in and out, and I've seen dolphins and sandpipers and have a few tiny shells to take home with me.
the aquarium - sharks, rays, catfish, an octopus - we had an amazing afternoon looking at everything

Tomorrow morning we pack up and head home - 2 full days of driving, with an overnight in a motel somewhere along the way. Back to the snow; to my last 3 weeks with my churches, to pick up the dog and start on the new routines in the new places in the new year. The intention I'm bringing home with me is to be more intentional - to be mindful of what needs doing right now; setting intentions for the day or the moment, and letting go, as possible, of lingering anxiety.

And in that spirit - having done what needed doing 20 minutes ago (starting this post); I'll move onto what needs doing in this moment (starting to pack). Blessings to you, and send safe travel thoughts and prayers our way.

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New Year's Eve check in

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 01:50:50 GMT

I hope you all are having a good night. I'm having a MARVELLOUS vacation with my kids at the ocean in South Carolina. Today we did lots of nothing - kids went long boarding, I walked on the beach. Then we went to supper where I had nachos and a margarita, and we're back at the swank condo.

My only complaint is that I am almost completely offline this week - but it's probably good for me. I miss you folks though - blessings for the new year for you all. May it be filled with journeys and joys and love.

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second cup of coffee

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 12:29:22 GMT

Taking a few moments for myself before launching into the day's tasks. Yesterday I cleaned and decluttered all the way to the back of my closet, and the hall closet. The teenager started on his room, so that while it's still a disaster, at least the floor has some space to walk on without stepping on clothing or God knows what. Hilariously - he found my testamur certificate in that room - no idea how it got there. (Like a graduation certificate - it's the piece of paper that says, yes I really am a minister). It's a little bit crinkled, but rescued. He almost threw out the envelope without looking - thank goodness he didn't.

Other found treasures? Some loonies and toonies on the floor of my closet. The poem I posted yesterday, scrawled on a piece of paper in the sunroom.

Mostly, though - I find space. I find things that I can let go of, stuff that should have been thrown away, given away, released some years ago. I find my courage to let go, to open my hands. I find my faith that if I throw away the threadbare towels, and I find I need new towels, I will have the resources to acquire new ones. I find that time has passed - that my bookshelves are still packed with kids books that my kids have outgrown. I find acceptance of who I am now - and keep the yoga mat, knitting needles and aquariums; start looking for new homes for the piano and sailboat.

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found a poem cleaning up today

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 20:28:36 GMT

this bed is my church
flannel sheets and
your legs tangled in mine

this gasp is my hymn
your breathy blasphemy in my ear
this is my liturgy

feed me wine from your lips
bread from your fingers
communion

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Lawless (or How I Lost My Heart to Cardigan! Hardy)

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 19:11:35 GMT

On Saturday afternoon, I promised myself that if I got a reasonable amount crossed off the chore list, I could drive into the city and watch Lawless. I think I had forgotten how much I like Prohibition era gangster movies. I definitely forgot that Tom Hardy could actually carve out a piece of my soul and build a home there.

( SPOILERS )( SPOILERS )

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Wait. September?

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 17:23:08 GMT

September started with the death of a beloved congregation member. It's been a while since a death hit me this hard. I had to pull over the car after meeting with her family because I was crying so hard. But. We had a good funeral for her. And, as I heard so many times this week: She never had to move off the farm, become less independent, languish in a hospital bed. God's peace to you, W. You are missed.
When I started being active in LJ/DW/fandom - I used Medium Sized Boy as my youngest's moniker. It's been a while since that really described him well - but I haven't quite got a new one yet. He is now 6' tall, and started grade 9 this week. He really, really is a teenager now. And his sister is in New York, being fabulous on the runway at NYFW. My kids are growing up so much.
Saw The Bourne Legacy twice, and I've been rewatching The Unusuals. Mmmm. Jeremy Renner. I just. Nngh. Plus, the year of Hobo!Hardy beard really preconditioned me to find beardy! wet! mostly naked! Renner extremely hot. The arctic survival episodes of Man vs Wild probably helped too.
My sister and I have been working on my resume and cover letter for the last couple of days. There's a non-congregational church job I'm applying for - I'll keep you posted.
I'm seriously unmotivated to tackle the house chores this afternoon. Maybe I should take myself to Lawless if I get (most of) them done?

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5 + 1 vacation notes

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 17:26:59 GMT

I have reached that blissed out vacation state when I actually have no idea what day it is. Blissful, except for the moments of panic, when I have to figure out when to pick up my kid from summer camp, or whether my theatre/supper plans are tonight or tomorrow.
Sunday I spent the WHOLE DAY in my pyjamas. Including going to the grocery store and walking the dog.
Trip into the city yesterday included meeting a twitter acquaintance for lunch - quite lovely.
The longer I stay undecided on whether to repaint the downstairs, the less likely repainting becomes. I think I'm okay with that.
I've been enjoying dog walks, and yoga practice and bike rides - I hope I can carry some of that activity into my schedule when I'm back at work.

1. A thing I love about being on vacation is the feeling of being able to devote swathes of time to something utterly non-productive. Like reading Teen Wolf fic. Or downloading the audio of Tom Hardy's "Find Your Greatness" voiceovers, and setting it as my morning alarm on my phone.

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storytime

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 23:56:41 GMT

A few days ago on twitter, anatsuno mentoned a couple of hilarious typos she'd read.

One of them was: yurt/comfort.

( Arthur, Eames, 500-ish words )

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Five Fandom Faves

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 18:01:54 GMT

TDKR - I might try for a coherent post after I see it a second time. Meanwhile, I've rewatched Batman Begins.
Agatha Christie's Marple - this is the ITV series with Geraldine MacEwan and Julia McKenzie as Miss Marple. Terrific adaptations of the Marple books, with the occasional non-canonic plot twist. Oodles of guest stars (Benedict Cumberbatch! Rupert Graves! Joanna Lumley! Zoe Wanamaker!), some fantastic 50's lesbianism, and all the murder in period manor houses one could wish for.
Teen Wolf - God help me. So far, just the fic, and not the show.
Olympics - My parents bought our first colour television for the 1976 Montreal Games. I cancelled my satellite subscription a couple of years ago - watching a stop and go BBC livestream of the opening ceremonies yesterday, I missed satellite for the first time. Not enough to pay $80/month for it, though. And watching the opening with twitter peeps live was awesome fun.
Shoes - What? Shoes are somewhere between and fandom and a fetish in my house. I bought a gorgeous pair of black patent leather pumps with a coral stiletto heel. Now I just need an occasion to wear them. Maybe a second showing of TDKR?

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8, 9, 10

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 01:57:44 GMT

I had a very small shopping list when I went to the city today. Practical things like new bulbs for the turtle's aquarium, and new rings for the shower curtain.

( Best laid plans.... Cut for talk of weight loss, body image and impulse shopping. )( Best laid plans.... Cut for talk of weight loss, body image and impulse shopping. )

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