beachlass: red flipflops by water (what?)
I read
Beauty Tips for Ministers regularly, and comment sometimes. And usually, my comments post immediately. Today, in a conversation suggesting purple as a colour of mourning, I wrote a comment

*clutches her favorite, handknit purple shawl to her*

Um... Some of us just wear purple. And purple/lavender are colours I associate with lesbian culture(s)/identity(ies).
Lavender Menance

On Spies, Purple Socks and Such

Wow, Purple is one of those words I can only read/write a few times before it just looks reallllllly uh... queer.


which didn't post. So I tried reposting, thinking there might have been a glitch, and the internet fairies promptly informed me they'd deleted my duplicate comment. So I refreshed. No comment, still. Frowned at the screen in consternation. 

And then I wondered... was she screening comments now? Maybe. Or was there something in my comment that caused it to be screened? Links? But I've coded in links before, I'm sure of it. Something else that would trip a spam filter?

And then I wondered Could it be the word "lesbian"? And I felt that familiar curl of sorrow in my chest. And I considered trying to post again, without the possibly "offending" word. Or emailing Peacebang to ask. And, after consideration, came to my own blog instead. .

Because it doesn't matter whether my speculation is right, what matters is that I've been culturally conditioned to still, still, 20 years after lesbians can be out and serve in ministry in my denomination, 10 years after legal same sex marriage in Canada, with rights explicitly protected in teh Ontario Human Rights Code,  still identify my own sexual orientation as the possible trigger. And the internet is a big piece of that, because any search involving "lesbian" throws up het-male-gaze porn in the results. And that's maddening. And sad. And feeds that choking vine of internalized lesbo-phobia that still lives inside me.


beachlass: red flipflops by water (Default)

July 2014

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