(no subject)

[beachlass]

Story post
Naruto et al do not belong to me
Prompt: Anko/Kakashi/weapon
Rating - hmm... PG or R
For na_no_nai 
 

By the time Iruka was assigned to the mission desk, he knew the mission rule book. what factors determined the ranking of a mission, how to assess the skills needed for it’s completion. He was, therefore, surprised, to have his dogeared rulebook, bristling with multi-coloured stickynotes tossed aside by Kotetsu when he arrived at the desk for his first shift.

“Read this” Kotetsu ordered, and handed him a glossy magazine entitled “Snatches and Shuriken”. The magazine was sticky. It had a picture of naked woman with purple hair and a strategically placed shuriken on the front.

Well. Not so strategically placed that you couldn’t see that the purple was there too.

Iruka sputtered. He’d seen the desk chunnin reading porn on shift before…. But… But… He didn’t want to read porn. He was professional. He wanted to assign missions, and check reports and file and build teams. And he was gay, dammit, which Ko knew well enough from a couple of back alley encounters.

But Kotetsu ignored him. Muttered something about not judging a book by its cover, as he pulled up a file for Asuma. Who was covered in hives and yelling at Ino about four leaves, not three and shouldn’t a florist’s brat know better anyway?

Iruka gave up. Opened the magazine.

Inside each page was pasted over by sheets filled with crabbed handwriting. Iruka realized he was holding the mythic “Unofficial Mission Handbook”.

Some of the rules were obvious – Don’t assign an Uchiha and Inuzaka team together, if the Uchiha are likely to use their summons.

Some were more obscure – You might as well put Izumo on patrol if Hoshigake/Uchiha have been sighted, but the rest of the patrol either needs to be discreet or stupid. Iruka had no idea what that meant, and really didn’t want to figure it out.

The unofficial handbook took time to learn, and was far trickier to implement. Iruka didn’t know if the jounin knew, and so he took the teasing about reading the tacky porn without comment.

Some were compassionate - If you’re putting Shiranui’s life in danger, send Namiashi with him. And vice versa.

Some rules Iruka assumed were just malicious jokes. - Don’t put Anko on a mission longer than three days without someone to fuck.

But he followed them all, and put Hatake and Mitarashi on the mission board with a younger jounin – six pack abs and a goes all night reputation in the teachers lounge – for a two week surveillance and assassination mission.

Three weeks later, Kakashi strode into the mission room, muddy enough to cover most of the blood and some of the exhaustion. He signed off on the mission as complete, and threw a set of dog tags on the desk as Anko entered. “They don’t need to be so pretty” Kakashi hissed at Iruka, “as long as they live long enough that I don’t have to f--” and Anko was behind him, fingers threading into matted silver hair.

“Back to my place for a wash?” she offered, as Kakashi tried to extricate himself. “I’ll help you wash everywhere” and she grabbed between Kakashi’s legs.

Kakashi paled, and suddenly had a weapon at Anko’s throat. “Don’t you fucking dare.” he whispered, low enough that only Iruka and Anko could hear.

Anko replied, with a nasty edge to her voice “But I like a man who can keep it up all night.”

Iruka could see the pulse throbbing under Kakashi’s one visible eye.

“Although women are fun too…” Anko continued, but now there was blood welling and running down her throat, and Iruka didn’t understand what was going on.

“I know you don’t have any discretion, but your self preservation instinct should be kicking in soon.” Kakashi’s voice was steady, but thin and strained.

Anko laughed and finally stepped away. She signed off the report, and paused at the door. “Stop by anytime Hatake, as long as you’re packing... Bring your toys.”

She was gone before the kunai hit the doorframe.

Kakashi threw Iruka an irritated look and disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

Iruka grabbed this month’s disreputable porn, and flipped through – Do not assign Hatake missions that involve sex with target. Erased the last two words.