nested

[beachlass]

The temperature is dropping tonight on the prairies and going back to a more seasonal -20 C overnight. So I'm glad to be nested home tonight in my cozy apartment, with a chicken in the oven and my eldest child on the couch. 

One of the big adjustments for me over that last year has been living on my own. I've never done this before! 

I went from my family home to housemates to kids to husband and kids and back to just kids. 

I like the quiet of living by myself, although I have to watch that solitude doesn't become entirely solitary. It's harder, I think, in a new city - because I don't have my own network of friends or activities here.  

So it's extra nice to have my girl with me over Christmas. We've done a bit of shopping, stocked up on groceries and got our short list of movies (The Favourite), TV (Letterkenny) and youtube (Bon Appetit: Claire makes gourmet junk food). 

Today we looked through boxes of old photos - it's astonishing to see faded photos through her eyes - I see the misery of grade school, or the ordinariness of growing up in the 70s - she sees something else entirely. 

Someone asked me this week if I would describe myself as a good mother. I replied that I would say I tried my hardest, and sometimes failed. But my kids have said I was (am) a good mother, and it's their judgement that counts. 

And I guess the proof is on my couch: the 26 year old who flew here to spend the holiday with her mom. Just the two of us. 

Comments

[beachlass]

Thank you!

How are things with you? I'm sorry to read that you lost your mother this year.

[pir8fancier]

It’s been a shithole of a year. My husband had to have emergency open heart surgery in the spring, and no sooner did he recover from that (he’s doing great, btw), my mother died. It wasn’t unexpected but not exactly expected, if you know what I mean. Initially, I thought I was doing okay, but I think I was just numb for the first few months. This holiday has been very, very hard. She loved Christmas. Table, gift-giving, the lights, the family together. It was her jam and she made it my jam as well. But I have my kids with me, and we went out to the cheap Mexican place we all love last night and laughed like hell the whole time, so I’m clinging on to that laughter to carry me through the next few days. Our tree is especially lovely this year (although my daughter says I say that every year and it’s true every year), and I went a little berserk with the outside decorating and what a winter wonderland! As much as you can have in California. Moving on as well as I can. The twinkle lights help! I wish you and yours a Happy New Year.

[beachlass]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your husband's surgery too and glad that he is recovering well.

I remember my own mother saying about her mother's death that the grief hit in a new way after a few months, when time stretched past the usual window between her visits with her mom. I also remember her saying that time with her own children eased some of the pain.

Warm holiday blessings from the cold north.