(no subject)

[beachlass]

So. We're talking about fertility tonight?

I was 22 when I became pregnant, because we weren't being careful enough with birth control. Not done university, in a relationship that wasn't going to last, in a really messy part of my life. And for all of my pro-choice activism (adamant, militant, thrown out of Parliament activism) - I didn't really consider abortion at all. And I thought about adoption, but I wantedwantedwanted the child.

So I pulled my act together as best I could, and my best friend moved in with me, and so it began.

The next time we were intentionally trying to get pregnant, and it happened right away. I'm easy to knock up.

With that first pregnancy - it never occurred to me that it could be my only chance. And I know women who had abortions in their twenties (or late teens) who later had children and women who had abortions and have not had children. And friends who have tried and tried, and been unable to conceive or carry to term.

I'm finally realizing what a blessing my fertility was... that the first child, arriving when I so wasn't ready to be a mother - or didn't think I was ready - that she has shaped my life so completely. That I've been "Mom" for almost all of my adult life. That it is the experience and relationship that made me an adult - made me who I am.

There have been times when I've wondered, with a tinge of regret - who I might have been if I hadn't dropped into the life of a single parent, with the attendant restrictions and poverty. But as I age, and I feel my heart well with grief watching friends struggle to accept that they will not bear a child; I begin to be more profoundly grateful for that fertility which seemed so inconvenient 16 years ago.

Comments

[nezumiko.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* It's so interesting to see how your life and mine parallel and diverge. We're almost the same age, so it's easy for me to imagine myself in your shoes, to imagine what my life would have been if I'd had a child when I was 22. And to wonder with my own tinge of regret, what sort of person I would have been if I'd been able to have a child.

I think one thing knowing you has really taught me is that, parent or not a parent, we are who we are. I love you for who you are, and yes, being a mother has clearly shaped you, but you don't seem so very different from me, a person who has never had a child.

Thank you for sharing this. <3

[ronsard.livejournal.com]

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

I'll never forget the moment of absolute vertigo when I realized you were closer in age to my daughter than to myself.

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

[ronsard.livejournal.com]

I can't believe you, of all people, would think age has anything to do with the ability to have our feelings and experiences resonate.

At this point in my life, I am almost wholly decided that I will be adopting, but it's nice to be reminded that I am fortunate, that for me, it's a choice, not a necessity.

[thursday-kat.livejournal.com]

It was interesting, emotionally, when I passed the age my mother was when she got married, had me and my brother. In 6 years, I will be the age she was when she had my sister and I wonder how that will feel.

Because even though I don't have/don't want kids (and yes, I wrote it up in my journal because I never pass up an opportunity to share...) there's something about realizing that you're never going to follow the path your mother set forth that is somehow painful in an inexplicable way.

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

Well, it really doesn't have anything to do with it, clearly. Until you decide to move to Canada and become my child-bride.

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

Oh yes - I've always noticed the milestones of my mother's life. And felt through the dissonances and similarities. And there is sometimes grief, for me too.

[ronsard.livejournal.com]

We can move to Vancouver, where I will take the town by storm with my American corporate values. I will adopt your kids. It'll be brilliant.

[muffytaj.livejournal.com]

My big brother was on his second child by the time he was my age. It really hammers home just ... I don't know, how hard it can be for young parents. I mean, I know I couldn't cope with a kid and I'm 21!

But then I don't think I'll ever be physically able to have kids, which causes some slight sadness.