(no subject)

[beachlass]

So. We're talking about fertility tonight?

I was 22 when I became pregnant, because we weren't being careful enough with birth control. Not done university, in a relationship that wasn't going to last, in a really messy part of my life. And for all of my pro-choice activism (adamant, militant, thrown out of Parliament activism) - I didn't really consider abortion at all. And I thought about adoption, but I wantedwantedwanted the child.

So I pulled my act together as best I could, and my best friend moved in with me, and so it began.

The next time we were intentionally trying to get pregnant, and it happened right away. I'm easy to knock up.

With that first pregnancy - it never occurred to me that it could be my only chance. And I know women who had abortions in their twenties (or late teens) who later had children and women who had abortions and have not had children. And friends who have tried and tried, and been unable to conceive or carry to term.

I'm finally realizing what a blessing my fertility was... that the first child, arriving when I so wasn't ready to be a mother - or didn't think I was ready - that she has shaped my life so completely. That I've been "Mom" for almost all of my adult life. That it is the experience and relationship that made me an adult - made me who I am.

There have been times when I've wondered, with a tinge of regret - who I might have been if I hadn't dropped into the life of a single parent, with the attendant restrictions and poverty. But as I age, and I feel my heart well with grief watching friends struggle to accept that they will not bear a child; I begin to be more profoundly grateful for that fertility which seemed so inconvenient 16 years ago.

Comments

[nezumiko.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* It's so interesting to see how your life and mine parallel and diverge. We're almost the same age, so it's easy for me to imagine myself in your shoes, to imagine what my life would have been if I'd had a child when I was 22. And to wonder with my own tinge of regret, what sort of person I would have been if I'd been able to have a child.

I think one thing knowing you has really taught me is that, parent or not a parent, we are who we are. I love you for who you are, and yes, being a mother has clearly shaped you, but you don't seem so very different from me, a person who has never had a child.

Thank you for sharing this. <3

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.