beachlass | pebbles

With one thing and another: media discussions, pastoral care situations, thoughtful fandom reflections, conversations with a colleague - I took my lectionary readings in hand this week and looked at them through the lens of mental illness.

( notes from yesterday's sermon )

My congregations are wonderful. I was scared to speak about living with mental illness, but not worried, if that makes sense. I trust them.

I got a lot of hugs at the door. Some congregation members started to cry as I held them. Others spoke of friends, or sisters, or just leaned in and said "I know, too". I was completely wound and exhausted by the time I was done. I went into my calm and composed place during worship, but even so, I was shaking throughout the morning. I came home and watched a couple of movies on netfix, had a nap, still felt hit by a truck when I woke up.

Today is a self care day, I think. And tomorrow I should try and make a pastoral care follow up list. As yesterday morning unfolded, I knew I'd made the right decision to speak up, I could hear the words in the hymns affirm the message I was trying to share.

And, mental illness being what it is... I can report with bitter amusement that as I drove home from church, I struggled with my internal critic berating me for not having done a "better" job that morning.

Je pense que je peut seulement décrir le saveur de mon déjeuner en français.

Il y a des craquelins de riz avec fromage de Chambes - c'est un fromage doux, comme Brie, mais si meilleur.

Et le dernier partie de bouteille de chardonnay (de l'Ontario), et en fin, café du lait avec miel.

Miam, miam!

They are just fucking with us, aren't they?

( I mean, really. (spoiler) )

I read
Beauty Tips for Ministers regularly, and comment sometimes. And usually, my comments post immediately. Today, in a conversation suggesting purple as a colour of mourning, I wrote a comment

*clutches her favorite, handknit purple shawl to her*

Um... Some of us just wear purple. And purple/lavender are colours I associate with lesbian culture(s)/identity(ies).
Lavender Menance

On Spies, Purple Socks and Such

Wow, Purple is one of those words I can only read/write a few times before it just looks reallllllly uh... queer.

;)

which didn't post. So I tried reposting, thinking there might have been a glitch, and the internet fairies promptly informed me they'd deleted my duplicate comment. So I refreshed. No comment, still. Frowned at the screen in consternation.

And then I wondered... was she screening comments now? Maybe. Or was there something in my comment that caused it to be screened? Links? But I've coded in links before, I'm sure of it. Something else that would trip a spam filter?

And then I wondered Could it be the word "lesbian"? And I felt that familiar curl of sorrow in my chest. And I considered trying to post again, without the possibly "offending" word. Or emailing Peacebang to ask. And, after consideration, came to my own blog instead. .

Because it doesn't matter whether my speculation is right, what matters is that I've been culturally conditioned to still, still, 20 years after lesbians can be out and serve in ministry in my denomination, 10 years after legal same sex marriage in Canada, with rights explicitly protected in teh Ontario Human Rights Code, still identify my own sexual orientation as the possible trigger. And the internet is a big piece of that, because any search involving "lesbian" throws up het-male-gaze porn in the results. And that's maddening. And sad. And feeds that choking vine of internalized lesbo-phobia that still lives inside me.

I don't know what the weather is like where you live tonight, but when I went to the grocery store it was snowing so hard that whenever I tried brushing off the car, by the time I got round to where I'd started, I had to brush off more snow. Crazy. And my snow brush has seen better days, so I stopped at Canadian Tire to pick up a new one before heading home. Everyone was driving around town reallllly slllllowly, and you could definitely tell who had four wheel drive.

When I got home, the boys playing Grand Theft Auto actually got off the couch and (with a bit of supervision) made supper! So that was pretty terrific.

Heard tonight that my girl will be coming home for a quick visit before she heads off on her next adventure. Very, very pleased by that news.

Hope you're all well.

Midnight came and went somewhere in one of the big fight scenes from Kick Ass. The Boy and I have spent a very enjoyable New Year's Eve watching Sherlock and Kick Ass on our big and shiny new tv, which arrived a week earlier than expected.

I'm starting the year with a new (old) project. The last couple years on LJ I partiicipated in a de-cluttering challenge, and created a DW comm to try the same this year.

unclutter's challenge is to try and get rid of one thing each day, and an extra item for every new thing we bring home.

I've found it a great challenge in previous year's, not only does it give me some inspiration and support for new year's cleaning, but it makes me more aware of the buying I'm considering.

So- if you're at all interested, please come join!

And as the calendar turns over:

May God bless you and keep you
May God's face shine upon you
My god's love flow through you this year
Like water flows in a river
Like rain falls from the sky
Like the bubbling of a spring
May you see the divine in the face of everyone you meet
And may everyone you meet this year
See the divine in you.

The boy and I decided that we would buy a new tv this year, as our big Xmas present. And we went out on Boxing Day, and got one - locally, I'm happy to say. It took lots of thinking and deciding, and felt like such a big, luxurious, expensive purchase - replacing our hand-me-down 20 inch tv with something bigger.

And today we were running errands in the city - picking up the boy, indulging in a bit of post-Christmas book buying, a couple of church errands, a new toy for the dog, the market (mmmm.... roast duck for tomorrow night!!), and I dropped a sizeable amount of book allowance at the Christian book store that saved me with last minute candles on Christmas Eve.

And then I realized - between the boy's new e-reader (present from his grandparents), my pleasure reading and my work reading - I spent more on books today than we spent on the tv.

There's some reflection there for me - both in terms of budgeting (can I afford to spend 2x on books and electronics right now?); and also in terms of how I think about spending money - areas in which I'm cautious (fretting would be another word), areas where I just spend. Because: books? We always need more books, right?

Hmm. Luckily I bought a book on shopping.

Mmm... supper tonight was homemade chicken soup.

Simmer chicken backs, celery, carrots and garlic in enough salted water to cover, for about 2 hours
Lift the solids out, skim the fat off the top
Pick through the chicken for meat, put that and the carrots and garlic back in, discard the rest
Serve with a squeeze of lemon and hot sauce in each bowl for a hot/sour flavour.

Gunless is a thing of joy and beauty. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am that it is in rotation in my movie channels.

I bought a new tv for Christmas! It will be big and shiny! (And not here until January, but I'm still excited)

My therapist keeps encouraging me to write/talk/otherwise explore my feelings. Pfft. You guys. If I wanted to talk about my feelings, I would.... IDEK, do whatever it is that people who want to talk about their feelings do. But anyway, I'm trying.

( cut for something approaching talking about feelings )

In which beachlass tries new things...

Had donburi unagi for the first time last night - yes, I live a sheltered life. Very yummy!
Have one child back home for Christmas, and I played Call of Duty with him on his new PS3
Having trouble sleeping this week, but have managed, mostly, to stay relaxed about it, and thus am up early, early this morning and having enjoyed some reading/computer time, am going to attempt some morning yoga shortly
paid for my DW account, let my LJ paid time lapse - had to delete more than 40 user pics from LJ *sigh* not to mention the ads

In which beachlass is grateful...

For the unexpected gift of bad monster movies and popcorn from a congregation member
For phone calls and internet time with far away friends and family
For deciding to reread the Sookie books during Advent - perfect downtime reading; And Charlaine Harris' sense of humour
For the moonlight on the snow at night
For the food in the cupboards
For you

Poll #5391

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 6

View Respondents

Saturday night....

View Answers

Go to bed early!
0 (0.0%)

Stay up and watch The Wolfman
1 (16.7%)

Shouldn't you be finishing your sermon for tomorrow morning?
2 (33.3%)

Victoriana kink
5 (83.3%)

Benicio del Toro is my boyfriend
2 (33.3%)

I don't even know how many tabs I have open right now. Half are stories/story links I'm following or reading through. Half are posts/articles about the demise of delicious, with brainstorming, options and possible resources.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE EASIER THIS MORNING. IF I COULD BOOKMARK ALL MY TABS TO MY FUCKING SOCIAL BOOKMARKING SITE AND READ EVERYONE ELSE'S AND KNOW THEY WOULD ALL STILL BE THERE WHEN I NEED THEM.

Oh wait. That's right, I can't.

liturgical preview from Sunday's service

Christmas Coming
by Pat Bennett (Hay and Stardust, ed. Ruth Burgess)

This Christmas, Lord,
take a corner of my life and steal in…
invade the busyness of my doing
with the quiet of your coming.

This Christmas Lord,
take a corner of my mind, and steal in…
illuminate the darkness of my thinking
with the brightness of your seeing

This Christmas, Lord,
take a corner of my heart and steal in…
infuse the coldness of my being
with the warmth of your Being.

This Christmas, Lord,
as at Bethlehem's stable,
come and steal in…
take the unprepared places of my life
and make them fit for your dwelling.

I know you're waiting for my dog's next movie review.

Just when I thought maybe it was Greek/Roman historical movies that bother her... she's perfect content with King Arthur on the tv. Maybe she's willing to overlook historical inaccuracy for the hotness of Clive Owen. (Aren't we all)

Or, actually maybe it's the Arthurian legends, she seems to like Merlin just fine, as well.

Ok, you know how I said that my dog didn't like the movie 300?

She's now sitting on her pillow barking again. What's playing on the tv? Gladiator. Apparently Russell Crowe in Master and Commander meets her approval, but she's really unimpressed with this.

I have been curled up watching movies and reading fanfic as much as possible the last few days. It's dissociating behaviour for me -usually an indication that stresses have built up enough that I need some time out. Nothing major, I think, mostly that the last month was too busy, and work too filled with grief.

I feel like I'm decompressing a bit - like a diver slowly surfacing from the depths. It takes some time to release, to slowly pick up the healthy habits and routines with which I shore up my mental health. But, I remind myself that dissociating is a tool too - one that buys me some time, takes my mind away, and that a few days of reading isn't the worst behaviour.

Being left alone. Well, yes, you might think that's a given, but about two weeks ago she didn't like being left alone enough to induce 2 days of diarrhea, and prompted a visit to the vet. So yeah. We're working on her office manners, and I now have the perfect excuse to avoid 13 hour days.
Playing fetch in the field. I don't even know. She used to like it, and now she gets all weird and runs home suddenly across the road. She has no concept of watching for cars at all, so it's super scary, and now we can't play in the field any more.
Fireworks. She HATES fireworks. Hiding under the table shaking hates them. Refusing to continue on a walk hates them.
Luggage being carried out to the car. See above. People might be leaving her! She is, however, perfectly happy to go for a car ride to nowhere, as long as she gets to come with me.
The movie 300. I know it's a bad movie. You know it's a bad movie. And right now my dog is happily chewing apart a dog toy while sitting in front of the tv while a Supernatural ep plays, complete with lots of screaming. We watch zombie movies, and action flicks, and Mythbusters, and she occasionally sits up if there's a dog making noise on the tv, or moves to the other room. But the one night my son tried to watch 300? She climbed on the couch, half sat on me, and fitfully barked until we turned the movie off. At which point she settled. I don't know - maybe she's a closet historian?

This broke my heart and made me laugh. My kids have different biological fathers, both of whom are described in this article:

On Deadbeat Dads
There’s a holiday in late December that I call Deadbeat Dad Week.
It falls a week after Christmas, because that’s when gifts from absentee fathers show up in the mail.

So yesterday I managed to set fire to the oven while cooking a frozen pie.

No wait. Let me explain.

There was frozen pie in the oven - a locally made turkey pie that is so yummy, and it takes a while, so partway through, I put a wedge of brie on what I thought was an ovenproof plate, so we could have brie, and crackers, and some of my mother's red pepper jelly.

Problem was the plate wasn't ovenproof, so I cracked and the brie spilt onto the oven floor. And then melted down somehow into the space for the gas burners.

Brie is really flammable, you guys. Just in case you were wondering. I've now done the research.

I turned off the oven, and threw baking soda in. My son was suitably entertained, and advocated for cracking open the fire extinguisher. Eventually it went out.

Today I ran the cleaning cycle on the oven and refilled the house with smoke.

Oh yeah. And fell down the front steps carrying the compost container, so I've been icing and elevating my ankle on and off this afternoon.

*facepalm* But, you know, really enjoying that I've almost had two days off in a row.

Tonight it's homemade turkey soup, and we've been watching movies, and reading.

Recommendations:

Manufactured Landscapes by Ed Burtynsky. Guys. The opening shot. The scale of industrialization is mindbending.
Spirit Gate by Kate Elliott - At first I thought, "Eh, another soul-bonded animal story", but it's not really at all. Lots of characters and intersecting plots, totally engaged by this series and am starting the second book.
The Age of Stupid - very, very watchable film about climate change (with Pete Postlethwaite!) - with an archivist from the future narrative frame.
RED - went with my son one night this week, and if you can set aside some of the Magical Negro trope, it was really enjoyable. No one is under-acting in it, that's for certain.

New haircut and colour, oh my. Lots more blonde, and I let the stylist straighten it and it looks awesome today. I'll have to take a photo later.
My new allergist was actually helpful, and confirmed that I'm not allergic to something I've been avoiding (coconut) - so I can eat these ice cream cone things that I've been coveting like mad. If you've got food restrictions, you can imagine how exciting it is to get to expand your "things I can eat without dying" list. Plus, he offered to test any foods I want to in the office. And thinks shots might help. Oh, food allergies. I have a new ally against you.
In the summer I bought myself sheepskin slippers from Topsy Farms, and they are so warm and cosy in my chilly office.
Did I mention the haircut? Possibly the best part was the long and luxurious scalp massage I received when the stylist was washing the colour out of my hair.
I found a King Apparatus cd in the bargain bin of the used cd store. (I still want to say "record store".) So now I have some (more) ska to play in the car.
New lipstick! I think I've bought four new tubes recently? All rich, luscious colours, perfect for a bit of mood boosting.

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beachlass

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Page generated Apr. 29th, 2026 02:25 pm

like pebbles on the beach

pebbles

on the use of a pulpit

Si je travaille chez moi, c'après midi, puis je ouvrir un nouvel bouteille...

tonight's Hawaii 5-0

lavender tears

(no subject)

2011 already??

epiphany comes a little early

cozy like a couch blanket

doing my homework

(no subject)

And this, right here, is the problem

come and steal in...

A round table? What blasphemy is this?

lazy Sunday

Things My Dog Doesn't Like

(no subject)

(no subject)

happy things

science!

This is the only Justin Bieber content I will ever post, I promise.

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January 2019

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